echoes of my genesis, a chorus of chaos
i covered my eyes and ears remarkably well
by not looking at the universe
by not looking at myself, by remaining, unaware
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humbled by your independence
a young woman with a voice for two
and an appetite for one
near your ear, trusting you to hear my fear
clutching your neck with every emotion
unchecked
weightless in your arms, you carried me well
in your measured steps
i hoped to lighten your load by reducing
my needs, by crushing my cravings with
a silence so severe
convinced that you could read any emotion
in my face, since it mirrored yours faultlessly
convinced that i would only bring destruction
by my interference, since you’ve had your fair
share of many
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guilt comes in pages and i’ve thought of
many ways to rectify what i’ve reckoned
and other times i thought it would all heal
itself as i pursued onto another page
and as i watch tragedy fester with age
i mourn every half casual opportunity given
to abandon this balcony and redeem my
place on stage
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proceeding to nothing from nothing
suffocating in the belly of a twenty two
foot beast of all the goddamn places
the volume of the engine, the smell of circus
peanuts, i could remember the misery
it was palpable, as if it were just yesterday,
greeting me at a portal to tomorrow
the great facade of stability in a yellow mass
opposite the circle of truth
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i was belitted and tackled for my
circumstances, my reluctance to speak,
and my commerce with levels of darkness
that were produced in me, and which they
could not possibly guess at
drawn to my weaknesses, my peers went
into peals of laughter
there were always promises behind their
mocking smiles, and during evenings of
unfathomable fatigue and through ruthless
pursuits, those promises were kept
i’d rather watch them decompose than be
an object for their fists of fury
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the great problems of shelter and secrecy had
been for me a terrible struggle
inside the range of insecurities, each on every
side of me, from the beginning
comforted by the height of every lie and its
borders, which at any moment seemed liable
to collapse
but this has never given me the life i wanted,
and so for that i must condemn all fruitless
guilt and make my link with the truth
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