every night i dream of blood that could
wash the weight of the world from
your shoulders
every night i dream of ripping your heart
from its root and handing you a new one
every night i dream of my fall from grace
for a new birth, hoping to be king again
every night i dream of water that could
fight the fire underneath your skin
a lifetime trying to bring an ocean to
the flame and bring glory back to your
name
⠀⠀⠀⠀
a victim of the curse of resiliency
your reward for surviving is to suffer a
measure of sublime loneliness
the fact is i want you gone from here
wishing for you to only fly way, grow
older and devoid of nightmares and
sheer exhaustion
i would much rather see you die than be
the object of a false promise of a quiet
passing without regret
⠀⠀⠀⠀
my insistence on recklessness endangered
us both
decisions that could’ve been made
more carefully
you were hopelessly jarred over and
over by my viciousnes, threatened by
my danger to you
responding with both anger and a prayer
granting mercy that the world refused
your compassion became its own hell
⠀⠀⠀⠀
son of an angel, daughter of the opposite
companion of my every waking hour
sharing seeds of secrets that endured the
passage of time, which i’d only dimly begun
to comprehend
laughing til' our hips ached and when i
stood alone amongst those who were against
me, unlikely to be far or between, you appear
at my very side, holstered for war
⠀⠀⠀⠀
a cavalier for a bed, a prison, and a cloud
who knew that better than i, who had hoped
to understand why under god this suffering was
allowed to exist, why under god it was allowed
to begin, and how under god might it end
⠀⠀⠀⠀
from you i learned the value of life but through
me i inherited a passion for ending it
injured i remain from the wounds you realized
were too heavy to be yours
and how monstrously unfair that i am to
stomach responsibility for what is obvious
and overwhelming and emerging slowly from
your shadow domain
⠀⠀⠀⠀
with your blood, i am alive
and with your blood, i am sworn to you and
i am beginning to understand that the love
for me that you can’t hide but can’t give, the
love that could sustain me a lifetime, the love
that i am willing to eat out of one’s hands,
allows me to exist far beyond my selfish wish
for your death and my own
